“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” –Prentis Hemphill
In this article, we will share a bit about what codependency is, and how it relates to boundaries. We will also share how to discover what your needs and boundaries are, and how to set boundaries with others in order to maintain more healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Codependency often arises from a lack of clear and healthy boundaries within ourselves, which then manifest in relationships to others. In codependent dynamics, individuals may prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, leading to an erosion of their personal boundaries over time. It is common that individuals may not even know exactly what their own needs truly are, and their own sense of self may feel dependent on others. This can result in an unhealthy reliance on others for validation, self-worth, and emotional fulfillment. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial for breaking the cycle of codependency, allowing individuals to foster independence, self-respect, and healthier, more balanced relationships.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set to honor our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. They define where we end physically/energetically and another begins, helping us maintain a sense of identity and integrity. Boundaries are essential in all relationships, whether with family, friends, or colleagues, as they prevent overextension and preserve our energy.
Boundaries are not an electric fence that we employ to keep others out. They are a blueprint for our integrity and allow us to be even more connected and fulfilled in our relationships to others.
Boundaries are not about building walls to keep others out. Instead, they are about creating a space of integrity where we can thrive in connection to others without losing ourselves. Without boundaries, we risk becoming enmeshed, resentful and depleted.
It is important to note that setting boundaries is not about controlling others or changing their behavior. They are about communicating what we need, and what we are or are not available for, and being willing to walk away from the situation if these needs cannot be honored.
Discovering your Boundaries and Setting Boundaries
Self-Awareness: Bring your awareness into your own body. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, somatic inquiry, or working with a therapist can assist with this process.
This can look as simple as becoming aware of what you need on a very basic level. When you are hungry, eat. When you are tired, rest. This helps you gain trust with your body, learn to interpret its signals, and invite your body to share even more with you. If you have been ignoring your body’s signals for a while, it may take some time for these signals and sensations to come back online, but they will. It’s a process!
From here, you can begin to notice when your body is expressing signals of contraction, stress, overwhelm, depletion, and more. By developing this awareness of your body, you can begin to interpret these sensations, pause, and ask your body what it needs.
Now, let’s bring it to an example in which a boundary may need to be set: Say that you feel tense up in your body, and notice your breath getting stuck in your chest after a family member invites themselves to stay at your house for a week. You may ask yourself, “What is it that I need to remain in integrity with myself?” Perhaps it is to ask the guests to stay elsewhere or to let them know that you won’t be able to feed them dinner each night. Journaling can also be a useful tool to explore your feelings and what is in integrity for you.
Clear Communication
You can use “I” statements to express your needs clearly and assertively. You can be firm, while still staying connected to an open heart. This is the art of setting boundaries and non-violent communication.
For example, you may say, “When people stay over my house, I need some alone time to myself each day to recharge.”
Remember, people are allowed to have their own responses to your boundaries. It is okay for others to feel sad, hurt, disappointed, or to not understand your boundaries. It does not mean that they are a bad person, or that you shouldn’t have set the boundary. This is also part of releasing codependency – allowing others to have hard feelings, while still honoring yourself and your needs.
If you find setting boundaries challenging, or would just love some more support through this process, you may consider working with a psychotherapist like the ones at Quantum. Together, we can explore your needs, develop strategies, and help you cultivate relationships that are in alignment with your integrity, boundaries, and limits.
